I bought this cartridge in Branson, Missouri because I was on vacation, it matched my pretty, pink Rove pen, and I thought it was on sale for 30% off. My nieces wanted to go to Silver Dollar City, so my mom offered to pick it up for me while I went to hillbilly Disney World to get a pretzel dog and respectfully appreciate the incredible smile on the very attractive American Plunge Operator. It was not 30% off and I Venmoed my mom my weed budget for the entire vacation on the first day, so…. Moral of the story: do your own shopping.

Speaking of doing your own shopping, has anyone ever been in a car accident in a spot that perfectly lined them up for one of those billboards for lawyers who look completely stoked that you got hurt, so they can mutually financially benefit with you and thought, “Yes, this is who I want to support me in this moment. As I was driving through St. Louis to get to Branson, I noticed a disturbing amount of these ghoul-faced small claims experts with hilariously simple phone numbers I can only assume are chosen specifically to assist those struggling with memory issues after a concussion or those who want to put the least time and consideration into who will be representing them in a court of law. One, however, stood out to me among the rest. I never knew what the phrase ‘A face you can trust’ meant until I met the soft, comforting, protective gaze of The Jungle Lawyer.

Tristan Woods is an icon. I wouldn’t marry him if he asked, but I’d consider it. At first, when I saw his beautiful face and long, flowing, Barbie-like hair photoshopped on to the body of Tarzan swinging through the jungle holding a monkey, with the phrase ‘Recovered Millions,’ I thought he was a lawyer specializing in animal rights and trafficking cases, referring to the number of animals rescued from abusive situations. I could see the matching Christmas sweaters for us and our three cats and two dogs. But he’s actually, like, a personal injury lawyer who specializes in DUI cases. Or the firm is at least. Under a particularly alluring photo of Tristan on Google Images is a headline that says, “VOTED BEST CRIMINAL.” If you click on the image and expand the full title is, “VOTED BEST CRIMINAL DEFENSE ATTORNEY IN KANSAS CITY.” I am not sure if that is true and I don’t want to click the link to find out. He doesn’t rescue animals, I’ve lost interest.

Tristan is an attorney at Jungle Law out of St. Louis and Kansas City according to their hideous website that is clearly using shock-advertising to put themselves in people’s heads. And I guess it worked. Although I drove past a plethora of law firm advertisements and faces of people waiting to profit off of others’ misfortune, Jungle Law stood out. And not just because of Tristan’s luscious locks.

Another billboard from Jungle Law took up space in my head for a full 15 seconds and enough for me to remember it when I started to look up pictures of ‘the jungle lawyer’ to track down phony Steve Irwin Rapunzel. Lauren Kruskall is another billboard star around St. Louis with similar jungle themes and phrases. But another is just her on a pink background next to the words:

Harassed At Work

#MeToo

Jungle Law

None of which makes me want to get involved with her firm.

But on a serious note. Let’s say, any and all almighty to somewhat mighty beings forbid, I am in an accident. Another driver backed into the front of my car intentionally like in those TikTok ads for dash cams. I am alive and ok, but I hit my head on the steering wheel, broke my nose, and have a mild concussion. I didn’t have a dash cam so while TikTok is mocking me, I’m being sued by the people committing fraud. But then, I look up to see a billboard that could not come at a better time.

Normally, I might be put off by the lack of seriousness conveyed, but I know that marketers have a lot of noise they have to cut through and the results and awards seem to speak for themselves. All of the conversations with the paralegals in the weeks leading up have been really positive, so I am confident that, no matter the results, I placed my odds and money with firm best equipped to provide a positive experience. If, when I finally meet my lawyer, Tristan Woods, in the court room, and he has short hair, am I allowed to sue for emotional distress and false advertising?

Cherry Gelato Live Resin Diamond Reload Pod from Rove

6/10