TRIGGER WARNING: Non-Violent Pet Death

Rove keeps surprising with the quality of this product. Don’t get too excited Rove, there was a lot of ground to make up for the price tag. I’ve had a stressful day already and it’s noon. But I’m going to have guests later so I can’t light up the way I would like, but I can disassociate with this smooth, pleasant, odorless pen all afternoon.

I work at a vet clinic on the weekends. Please don’t ask me any medical questions, I am only qualified to run the computer and babysit animals coming out of anesthesia. I am not a doctor and don’t have any medical aspirations so my perception into this world is incredibly limited. Even so, there are several things I have learned even from my pseudo-experience.

First, it’s not a puppy and kitten play date. Even the friendly pets are terrified and overwhelmed. I mean, I can’t blame Socks for not being happy to see me after what we did to him last week. I’ll let you decide what species Socks is and what he looks like. You’re probably right. Sorry buddy, it’s for your own good.

Another thing I have noticed is that dog and cat memories are incredibly similar to mine. Out of sight, out of mind; but I know what the **** that is when I see it. For my fur babies, it’s the carrier, flea medicine applicators, and the can opener – although the last one produces an equal, yet opposite reaction. For the eight-year-old Labrador with plenty of experience to know exactly ‘what’s what’ at the clinic, it’s me with a dog cookie and the doctor with a thermometer. But the great thing for pet owners is that the pets often don’t hold grudges long term at home. The longer they are away from the clinic, the less they think about it. But when Susie Q sees me at the gas station it’s instant whimpers because she knows perfectly well that I’m the bitch with the toe nail clippers.

Another thing I have learned at the vet clinic is TRUST NO ONE. But I need to elaborate on this. I think pretty much everyone has seen a video, comic, or other art piece where an intimidating person has a heart of gold and we are all familiar with the idea that an unassuming, conventional, well-to-do person could be a closet asshole. Usually the point of these comics is to not discredit anyone based on what they look like. My advice: discredit everyone until proven otherwise. I’m not saying this to be hyper critical or paranoid, but I am saying you should think critically about how much trust you should place in a stranger. I foster cats and I have dedicated lists of people I know that I either would or would never place an animal with. I see who comes in with matted fur, malnourished, unvaccinated, and to get declawed. And owner appearance means nothing.

Please do not feel that vet staff are judging you too harshly. We know first hand that pets’ primary objective, especially in the first two years of life, is actively trying to inspire new verses for the Dumb Ways to Die song on their own. Laura’s cat gets his claw stuck in his favorite blankie, collapses, and screams until someone untangles him; Sandy the golden retriever has been in for four separate visits because she likes to hold bees in her mouth. We get it.

Feral cats are a significant and heartbreaking problem in my area and it is so amazing when people are able to catch them for a spay/neuter, vaccination, antibiotics after injuries, and then release. We will not blink if you bring in a frost bitten cat with scars covering his body from a life of literal cat fights. Thank you so much for giving them as much as you could. It’s nerve wracking, stressful, expensive, and it makes such a difference.

And, going back to my advice, it’s not that I believe people are hiding a dark tendency within themselves. It most often comes down to a difference of values. Some dog owners think of them as assets for hunting, herding, guarding. They are farm animals, not pets. These people never skip vaccinations, but will opt out of voluntarily pain meds. They aren’t acting out of a sense of explicit malice, it’s a mentality that pain is temporary and won’t impact the budget. They are also the type to avoid going to the doctor themselves. Some people believe animals don’t feel pain as intensely as we do. I have my own opinion on those people that I will keep to myself. *Cough- cop out for being a tight ass -cough* All I’m trying to say is before you assume someone is a good enough person to trust with an animal, make certain and always remember Hanlon’s Razor.

Another thing I’ve learned both at home and at the vet clinic is that there are two distinct groups of pets. There are the pets who are what they seem to be, acting out of instinct, making the same mistakes, and over all being fairly predictable. Then, there is the second group, the more tuned in group, the group that inspires stories and legends, become soulmates and partners-in-crime with their owners, and outsmart the clinic staff at every turn. I want to make it clear that need are better than the other; the love is just as genuine and they produce equally exquisite TikToks.

At first, I thought I was just being dramatic. It was hard for me to really pin point what I felt the second group of animals was and then one day, in walked Susan Hudson with her tuxedo cat, Señor Senior Jr. I knew – the moment I looked in this cat’s enormous green eyes – there was nothing going on behind them. I was able to understand the ‘tuned-in animals’ (for lack of a better word) through a dramatic demonstration of what they aren’t. Turns out the groups are a spectrum and Señor Senior Jr. was born running on MS-DOS and that is the only thing this unit has ever run on in his life. Weighing in at a whopping 22lbs, Señor Senior Jr. is the largest cat that visits our clinic with the most intimidating talons for claws I have ever seen on a house cat. Señor Senior Jr. does not know this or care. His most common visits are stress-induced UTIs from other cats, kittens, and some large squirrels he sees through the window. His mom is afraid of chemicals, so I apply his flea and tic topical for her when he comes in. I must have done it dozens of times and he never sees it coming. I have two boys who are also far to the low end of the sentient scale. They are gorgeous, affection-motivated snuggle bugs but it wouldn’t be inaccurate to describe them as a FurReal Friends that provides a real litter box and shedding experience. And then, there’s the girl.

Now, pets of either gender qualify for the next level of animal I’m going to describe at equal rates. Mine just happens to be the girl. Her reason and composure is unmatched. She isn’t phased by anything I do (singing too loud, running to the oven I forgot about, the vacuum, even a power saw) because she knows I would never hurt her. When she looks at me it’s like having a conversation, each slow blink is another “I love you, thank you for keeping us.” She grooms me and I swear she always understands what I’m saying. She doesn’t get emotional when I’m gone, she can comfort herself as long as the babysitter gives her some love and food, because I want to believe she understood me saying I was coming back.

I’m not implying that some pets are Eldridge beings or the spirits of humans trapped in purrgatory on earth. (Although, some definitely are.) It’s more like a gene that makes them better familiars with people. And I don’t mean this in a magical sense, more of a deeper emotional connection trait that is more common in some animals than others. I also believe that mine specifically has the ability to ‘turn off’ her more vivid intellect to enjoy tearing through the house at max speed, overcooking many turns into walls and furniture, and committing war crimes on an unintentionally vulnerable roll of paper towels at 3:00am with eyes that are only pupil as she attempts to take in all of her curated chaos.

My favorite cat of all time, the one I will adopt as soon as the owner retrieval period expires, is currently living in the clinic with the other permanent residents. She is the most intelligent animal I have ever met. She is also a complete diva. She is Santana-from-Glee coded. The first thing you need to know about this cat is she is petite. Weighing in at a dainty five pounds, the entirety of this creature’s whispy body is filled to the brim with audacity, it’s over flowing in this cat. Smallest cat in the clinic, every other cat avoids her and gets out of her way fast. She likes to sit just out of leash reach to antagonize other animals. Her favorite hobby is sitting, posing, and having people notice how regal she is. She hates her own kind. Thank god someone had her fixed young, she would have made a horrible mother. I love her so much.

I wouldn’t say she loves dogs, as soon as they bark she’s done, but she enjoys observing them, far closer than all of the other cats dare to get. It’s like her momma never taught her that it’s rude to stare so she’ll just walk up as close as she pleases, scrutinizing and observing, and then walk away disinterested. She has broken many hearts by staring at people until they notice her, start begging for her attention and to let them pet her, so she can make them watch her walk away. She comes up and screams at me if I don’t watch her leave long enough. I love this cat.

Occasionally a dog will come in, either well trained, socialized, or older. They will walk in, lay down, and wait for their turn. This cat notices immediately and will go and lay down on them. She does love the calm dogs a lot. Pits are her absolute favorite. She is also a masochist. Most cats, when they don’t want to play anymore, will walk away. For this emotional train wreck, her walking away doesn’t mean “leave me alone,” it means “follow me around, pick me up and give me snuggles and kisses while I scream like I’m being tortured.” However, once released she will rub on your leg saying, “Oh no! Don’t do it again.” This cat can do no wrong.

Asking for affection and admitting that she likes it is beneath her. Toxic relationships and mind games are not. If the clinic gets busy and she feels I’m not giving her enough attention, she will turn off the computer by standing on the power button. She is the only one of us, animals and staff, who know how to get our computer to take a screenshot. She likes to bring me her laser and set it on the counter in front of me. If I’m with a client or on the phone and don’t play laser fast enough, she will scream until I meet her eyes, hold eye contact, paw the laser on the floor, and look at me like, “pick that shit up and let’s do this.” I love this cat.

She takes such pride in believing that she is such a terror and that my world seemingly revolves around obeying her. She thinks she has me whipped. She thinks she is the baddest bitch in the clinic. She’s roughly 8 years old and sleeps 22 hours a day, it’s a minor inconvenience at best. I adore this cat.

Working at the vet clinic has also taught me to deal with the emotional extremes that can come unexpectedly. Zeus is a 14 week old akita puppy with the scrunchiest little face, stubby little legs, and all of the energy and audacity that can fit inside a 20lb litter runt Scooby-Doo running as fast as his furry paws can on the linoleum floor. Zeus’ grandmother brought him to his vaccination appointment for her daughter. While she appreciates the spirit in the little guy, Pam was more than happy to let me play with Zeus throughout the appointment so she could sit and relax in the waiting room. I was back on PetFinder almost immediately after Zeus left – I washed the puppy slobber off my hands but immediately after that. I kept scrolling trying to find the perfect fit that will have the least impact on my cats. And then, in walked Annie.

Annie has been coming to the clinic for 14 years. By the look on her elderly owner’s face I knew this would be her last visit. A sudden weather change had severely aggravated Annie’s arthritis and her quality of life was dwindling fast. That most excellent lady hobbled right over to the scale that started countless appointments before. She is so smart, but we won’t need her weight today. The doctor handles it with the compassion and grace you would expect from a vet but is occasionally difficult to find. He has a great respect for animals and is experienced in providing the easiest passing for the animals and owners. The door to the exam room was closed for the owners to say goodbye. He doesn’t charge for partings.

Annie was a large dog. Roughly 60 pounds with elderly owners. We don’t have the capacity to provide cremation services at our clinic so we partner with a company that will pick up the remains, take care of them, and return ashes to the owners if requested. I called the number from the Rolodex and left a message that we will have a pick up today. While the clinic doesn’t charge for the euthanasia, we do have to record the treatment and death in our records including the amount of medicines used. Right as the bell jingles from Annie’s mom closing the door behind her, I notice that the name for the drug in our system is called “Lethal Injection Plus.”

Pause.

Hold up, record scratch. Go back to the name of that drug and really think about it. Who named that? Are they trying to advertise? I guess it satisfies my pet peeve of hating non-intuitive drug names by being aggressively explicit. Also, what the hell is the plus for? Does this passing come without advertisements? Is there a much worse version out there designed for owners who don’t want their pet to die peacefully? I mean my god if there was ever a time to name a drug an absurd assortment of letters, it was this. I understand the need to make it very evidently lethal on the bottle, but the only time I’ve heard the phrase ‘lethal injection’ is in the context of debates on capital punishment. I also think that is the main reason we don’t charge for these appointments because that would appear on the receipt.

Annie lived a good, full life full of love right up until she started her journey across the rainbow bridge. But she still put in perspective the lows that can follow the highs of scrunchy puppy tug of war. After recovering from the medical entry, I slowed down and re-deleted the PetFinder app. While the emotion is sobering, I have worked here long enough to simply find peace in the knowledge that they are no longer in pain and it doesn’t significantly impact me emotionally.

That is until the doctor said he was taking off early since the appointments are done. At that point, we stop accepting walk ins, but I stay for post-surgery and medicine pick ups. On his way out, he asked me to print a label and put it on the doggy body bag for the cremation pick up. Great. Thanks Tim, that’s exactly what I wanted to do today. Luckily, I discovered that the labels are sticky enough that I didn’t really have to touch the body to attach them to the bag. And then the cremation facility called to inform me that they did not have anyone available to pick up the body until Monday and I had to put her in the freezer.

Cherry Gelato Live Resin Diamond Reload Pod from Rove

8/10

• Provides a Euphoric, Creative High with Significant Couch Lock
• No Significant Smell
• I Have Almost Smoked Enough to Forget Today